i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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