...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
