I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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