I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
