I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
