Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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