So drunk its hurt
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
