I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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