nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
