i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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