just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
