I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Is it penis luge time yet?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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