Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
