I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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