omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
