i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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