There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
