dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
