You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
