About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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