yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Found your dick twin last night
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
