I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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