Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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