Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
