Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
