I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
you had me at cake vodka
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
