If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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