oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
