In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
