That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
