I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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