If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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