Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
