why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You've changed since you got that strap on
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
