i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
