i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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