youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He passed out mid-signature
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
