After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
