he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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