She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
