i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
