Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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