Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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