Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
