there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
