I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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