i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
