Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
