my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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