remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
