I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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